Rock Chef - the Alter-ego

As I settle in to regular cycling again, following a relatively lazy summer, my mind has started to wander again, as it tends to do during a good ride. Inspired by a few other blogs and comments, I have put more thought into who and what Rock Chef could be...



By day, he is a celebrity chef, hosting a regular TV show called, amazingly, The Rock Chef. Each show features a guest from the world of rock music, and consists of a mix of great food, fun, and rock music. Episodes include:

• Blaze of Glory, featuring Jon Bon Jovi and how to barbeque.


• Trampled Underfoot, featuring Led Zeppelin and traditional wine making methods.


• Let there be Wok, featuring AC/DC and oriental stir-frying.


• Jump, featuring David Lee Roth and the food of love (or whatever).

In true TV fashion, the climax of the show is putting together the finished meal for the guests to eat, with a ticking clock and a chorus of The Final Countdown...

Note that special care is taken to keep those who have lived the rock and roll lifestyle to the full, e.g. Ozzy Osbourne, away from naked flames and sharp knives.

Naturally, the Chef's rugged good looks, charming personality and awesome musicianship combine to make the show compulsory viewing for millions around the world.

By night, Rock Chef is a crime fighting superhero, chasing villains on his customised Domino's Pizza delivery bike, and overpowering them with his special form of martial arts, using sharpened spatulas. The Rock Chef denies any connection with a recent spate of drug dealers who have choked to death on Domino's Pizza. This is just a fortunate coincidence.

Sex-changes are Painless!

No, this is not a rewrite of the old MASH theme tune!

Thanks to Terri, I am, as you can see, a Rockin' Girl Blogger!

I consider this to be a great honour - just so long as I don't have to give birth or go through any of that other nasty stuff that women have to put up with.

Having said that, though, I think I can feel a mood swing coming on...

ASSICONS

Sorry if you have seen these before, but they are new to me and thought I would share them.

We all know about "emoticons", where

:)

or

:-)

is a smile. Well we now have ASSICONS. Here goes:

(_!_) a regular ass

(__!__) a fat ass

(!) a tight ass

(_*_) a sore ass

{_!_} a swishy ass

(_o_) as ass that's been around

(_x_) kiss my ass

(_X_) leave my ass alone

(_zzz_) a tired ass

(_$_) money coming out of his ass

(_?_) a dumb ass

and my favourite:

(_E=mc2_) a smart ass

Have a great day, and don't be an (_!_)

Another Milestone

Today is the day my 11 year old daughter starts secondary school. It is amazing how she has grown and changed in the last year. Last summer she was a chubby little girl - now she is taller (don't they grow fast at that age?), slimmer (I am not allowed to know how much weight she has lost, but she looks perfect), has a new shorter, more grown up hair style and is bursting with confidence. Seeing her in her new uniform was quite a shock, where has my little girl gone? I would have been sad if I was not so proud of her.

Can't wait to get home to hear about her first day - did she get lost in that maze of a school? Does she like her teachers? How many times was she asked if she was "Arthur's sister" (she really does not want to be known as Arthur's Sister, she wants to make her own mark!)...

Hey, a few more years and we will be looking at them going off to University, but that is currently someone else's story, eh Terri?

Hm, but we have 2 Universities within easy travelling distance of home, so maybe they will NOT go away...

Whose children are they?

Time for another moralising rant, I am afraid!

Over the years I have noticed an increasing trend, at least in the UK, that has been highlighted following the recent shooting of an 11 year old boy in Liverpool by a so far unidentified teenager. The mother of the victim has been brave enough to speak out, saying that she blames the killer's parents, that people are failing to bring their children up as members of society, allowing them to act as they please.

And she is right.

I have seen this first hand. It can start when the children are very young:

• It is nursery school's job to potty train the child.
• It is the school's job to teach the child to read, write and count.
• The parent is too busy or uncaring to teach the child right from wrong - sometimes the parents don't actually know themselves...
• Keeping the child close to home is too much like hard work, so the child roams the streets, probably from the age of around 6, getting into trouble increasingly frequently for increasingly serious acts. The parents do not blame the child or themselves, they blame the Police and those who report problems to them. "Oh, you can't watch them all the time, can you?" My answer is "Yes you can - we do!"

Something that seems to make this worse is that it does not seem to be "politically correct" to tell someone that they are a bad parent and that it is all their fault. Will we ever have politician who is brave enough to stand up and demand that parents control their children and make them accountable if they do not? Maybe, but he might not last long...

Sometimes I think I am being unfair...

... when I constantly expect the worst.

But them something will happen that proves I was right!

Let me explain.

We never let our dog, Custard, off his lead. When we go for walks we have him on an extending lead that gives him a fair amount of freedom, but still leaves us in control. We have been told that this is cruel.

But we have reasons.

The first is that he has deformed hips. He is fine now, but too much running and playing could easily cause injury, forcing very expensive operations which may or may not return him to full fitness.

Secondly, there are just too many busy roads around with cars that go much too fast. Dogs can be trained but it only takes a moment of forgetfulness and it is too late. I lost a dog that way when I was 13, and have no intention of repeating the experience!

Thirdly, too many folks near me have got dogs that I just plain don't like and don't trust. Staffordshire Bull Terriers and Rottweilers are the order of the day. Now I am happy to accept that with reasonably good owners these breeds of dog can be very good pets. But if the owner is less responsible they can be an utter nightmare. All summer I have been trying to avoid a confrontation with a pair of young male Rottweilers that like stalking, and increasingly, attacking other dogs. If Custard is on a lead, I can haul him in and protect him.

Yesterday's local news paper contained proof that my caution is sensible. A Yorkshire Terrier was attacked and literally ripped to pieces by 2 Rottweilers (not the ones I have been avoiding, another pair) only couple of hundred yards from where I live, on a lane where I often walk Custard.

So I will continue to keep Custard on his lead and will, in addition, now be taking a heavy walking stick with me when I go out...

Back to Work

I think it has just sunk in - summer hols are over, I am back at work for the new term. Next stop Christmas...

I think that one of the features of working in education is that your life is a series of year-long cycles, starting around now - the run up to the new academic year, Freshers Week, the return of the 2nd and 3rd year students, the handbooks, the lectures, assignment deadlines, the assorted problems and crises that staff and students suffer, field trips, the exams, wrapping it all up, then summer arrives again, things slow down, we drift along, take time off, relax, forget everything we know - then it all starts again. I love my job and the people I meet because of it, but right now it is almost like staring down the barrel of a gun.

Most other jobs don't have that - there may be cycles but they will tend to be shorter, possibly overlapping with other tasks, some are just plain repetitive and one week is no different from the next. I have done a range of work, but there is something about the big year-long rollercoaster that I love.

Here we go again!

Bagels

Bagels have only really started to become common in the UK fairly recently. They are in supermarkets, McDonalds, etc, and are making an impression on the market.

Until a couple of days ago, the attraction eluded me. They are just a bread roll with a stupid hole in the middle! What is so great about them?

Then, on Monday, my son and I came in to work on the bus. As both of us are vulnerable to travel sickness we skipped breakfast so we could eat after we arrived. While walking from the bus station to where I work, we passed the Mexican place where I often eat – which you will surely know if you read my blog regularly. They were open for breakfast, so we went in. Top of the menu was a cheese and bacon bagel. Now the guy who owns this place is a New Yorker, almost a Hollywood cliché, loud and confident. He has a deal going with a lot of his regulars – if you don’t like something he sells you, tell him and he will give you a replacement free. I have never had to make him stand by his word on this! So I go for the bagel, reasoning that this guy is a New Yorker and maybe his bagels will be different to what is generally available.

That was the best Monday morning decision I have ever made. It was fantastic. I am now a convert to proper bagels. I think I will have to search for a good recipe so I can make my own – the ones in the shops just don’t cut it.

Back in Black

Well, in spite of the unbelievably bad weather we have had this summer (there is currently a thunderstorm outside) I had a great 2 weeks off.

My birthday was a hoot, and I have spent many long hours fiddling with the new guitar amplifier to find out what it can do, which seems to be just about everything from clean country to Death Metal, with Van Halen, Santana and Rush thrown in for good measure. Really thinking about getting into a band again now!



We did not go away anywhere, but had some fun days out, managing to get a couple of sunny days on Broadstairs beach. It is a great little town that has everything you need for a day out. It is also interesting in that Charles Dickens, the famous author, lived there. You can see his house in the picture, Bleak House (which the book was named after), the brown building on the sky line, upper right. In the summer the town has a lot of events, such as the Dickens Festival and the Folk Music Festival, which includes lots of free shows, Morris Dancers, etc. All good fun.

I also ran my summer wargame at home, with plenty of food and drink laid on to keep the players happy. We played a series of small battles as each player attempted to become the most powerful nobleman in England. One player took a beating and decided to spend the rest of his time pandering to the French King, while the other three fought it out. Arthur, my son, was playing and almost won, but the other 2 ganged up on him in a final showdown, beating him. An uneasy truce was declared but I think we will be returning to this again in the future.

This week I have Arthur with me doing some work experience, so it is a nice way of easing back into work as I try to remember what on earth I am supposed to be doing here! He is enjoying it, especially lunchtimes for some reason. Teenagers and food, eh?

Just when they thought it was safe...

SUMMER BREAK 2!

Yes, am signing off for a couple of weeks so I can totally vege out and forget everything I do at work.

We are not going away but will be having days out as a family, plus the odd wargame day, including one that I will be running at home for the guys while my wonderful wife supplies us with food and drink.

Hey, I will also turn 44 while I am away (I NEVER work on my birthday). Is that some sort of magic number? Stay tuned for the next year and you may find out!

What do I want for my birthday? How nice of you to ask! Let me see...

I usually have some new toy soldiers but I am resisting that this year, as I have piles that I really must get painted before I embark on anything new. Zulus are tempting, though...

Books. I love books. I am looking for a good book on the Battle of Poitiers at the moment...

Music. Music makes my world go round - I currently have a CD of classic rock tracks going, Saxon, Wheels of Steel is currently on. Who? I hear you ask? Oh, you must be too young... I will probably get a new CD or 2. Need more Foo Fighters, haven't got the CD with Learn to Fly yet. Looking bigger, my wife promised a visit to the guitar shops in Canterbury on my birthday, so who knows. I am having increasing thoughts about getting back into a band so a nice, new, big guitar amp would be nice...

Well, whatever happens, I hope you all have a wonderful time while I am away. May God bless you all and keep you safe and well!

Blogging: Light Relief?

When I started this at the beginning of the year it was all just a bit of fun. Posting a few odd thoughts each day, reading a few other blogs, that was it. Something for coffee breaks to take my mind away from things.

It is not that simple, though, is it? There was a recent exchange where we talked about our "blog family" and how we all had so much in common, how much we could relate to many of the problems that others had, sharing stories that have bonded us, even though most of us have never met.

The last few days have brought this home to me even more - reading about the problems that some of you are currently facing was really hard, while there is also increasing excitement about babies that are on the way. Then I woke up this morning to news of the bridge disaster in Minneapolis and instantly became concerned about bloggers from that area.

Seems that my "bit of fun" has taken on a life of its own, something that I could not have imagined a few short months ago. Isn't blogging amazing?

The Perfect Lunch-break

It is lunchtime - my stomach feels so empty it must think my throat has been cut!

[Rumble, gurgle]

Time to head into town. It is a very nice, warm, sunny day, with just a hint of dark cloud on the horizon, just to make you even more appreciative of what is directly over head. As I leave work and walk past the walls around Canterbury Cathedral (a massive, spectacular building, a World Heritage Site, noless, that I rarely actually notice these days) I ponder lunch. There is just about everything you could possibly want within an easy stroll (except, possibly, sushi, but I don't like that anyway!). But as I draw closer the call of the Mexican becomes too tempting and I go in for my usual sit down meal - chicken quesadilla, cheesy natchos and a Coke. I slowly munch my way through this while reading a rather fancyful account of the Battle of Poitiers - the Black Prince's great victory over the French. This is very appropriate reading, as the Black Prince is buried only a couple of hundred yards away from where I sit.

Then it is time for a quick scout around the shops. Nothing very exciting except for a new 6 string bass guitar (most bass guitars have 4 strings). It is surprisingly nice to play, but I am not convinced it has much of an advantage over my lovely 5 string... (see photo). This guitar was amazingly cheap when I bought it but it remains one of the best instruments I have ever played, second only to the one that had the £3000 price tag!

Then I stroll back to work, sipping the last of my Coke, soaking up the sun and avoiding the gangs of tourists that seem intent on seeing everything at once, the odd cyclist that seems determined to get across town without touching his breaks and the ever present homeless drug addicts who lurk on the fringes.

The Week That Was

Last week was a strange one.

To start with, the weather went back to being awful with massive flooding in other parts of the country, but just enough to make things wet and miserable where I am. Custard the dog enjoys the wet, though, so at least he had a good time.

Monday night was spoilt by my being kept awake by an inexplicable pain in my right side. I have no idea what it was, but it was so bad that I vomited. A couple of hours later it went as fast as it came, leaving me worn out for the next day. As a result I spent Tuesday on the sofa being waited on, catching up on DVDs - Hot Fuzz was the best one, a spoof Police movie set in a quiet English village that has had no (reported) crime for years. See it if you get the chance.

Wednesday was my daughter's last day at Junior school so we went to the leaver's concert and then out onto the field (hey the sun even came out!) where they all signed each other's school shirts and memory books.

Friday to Sunday saw us loosen the strings on our daughter, who slept over at a friend's house in the town and (this is the difficult bit) travelled there and back on the bus with her friends. We found this incredibly hard to do, but she did really well and sent us text messages to keep us informed.

On Saturday I went to a friend's house to play a wargame. Four of us fighting a small battle set in the Sudan in Victorian times, with the gallant British fighting off the natives and saving civilization. Great fun.

Now I have to think about work!

Summer is really here!

Well, perhaps our summer has finally arrived! We have had a couple of hot sunny days in a row and it has not rained too much!

I will be going a bit quiet for a while now, being off work for 3 of the next 4 weeks! I do not tend to go online much at home, but I will try to make the occasional entry on my blog and check what you are all getting up to.

See you all soon!

You can choose your friends...

My eldest son and one of my nieces are in the same year at school, both being 13 now. And we live on opposite sides of the same road.

My son is amazingly clever (he will be sitting maths exams at 16 that he should be doing at 18) and is great at anything that requires brain work. However, despite our efforts he has no interest in being cool. He is a happy geek.

My niece is not daft, but is not in the same league as my son, but she is a dead-cool tomboy, who does BMX, skateboarding, guitars, etc. Image is everything.

In other words, they are chalk and cheese, you would find it hard to find 2 people more different. Recently they have taken to gently teasing each other - "geek", "thicky", "wear something cool", "wear a dress". Hopefully it is clear who says what!

Yesterday things moved to a now level. My son had to make Bhangra head dress for Dance class. (See photo for an idea of what the head dress looked like - neither of these are my son).



When he took it in, he had to talk about it in front of 2 classes - his own and my niece's. At the end of the talk he was asked to select another child to wear the head dress. Can you guess who he picked? Can you guess whose "cool" has now been destroyed? Can you guess who hates my son? Can you guess who thinks it is all amazingly funny?

The Strangest Dream

I sometimes have strange dreams, but last night I had one to beat them all.

Ali had won a day flying planes at an airfield, so our blog-family had gone along to watch.

First off, Ali wanted to fly a Tiger Moth biplane. Zig said he was a trained pilot and got in with her. Off they went, looping loops and swooping low over the rest of us. Then it was time to land. Ali was at the controls and brought it down so hard the wheels ripped off and they skidded to a halt on the plane's belly.

We rushed over to the plane - Zig climbed out looking a bit shaky, while Ali tumbled out squealing with laughter and shouting that she wanted to fly a jet now. Zig opted out, deciding to sit with Alyssa who was in danger of having her baby on the spot...

So, Ali climbs into a jet - one of those small passenger jets that movie stars fly around in and takes off before the rest of us can stop her. More crazy zooming around, while Logzie and Terri try to stop Chris having a breakdown.

Suddenly there is a small explosion in the plane and a small dot can be seen shooting upwards - it is Ali. Then the rest of the plane explodes in a massive fire ball, the blast shooting Ali even higher. Surely she cannot survive that! The dot that is Ali starts to descend, gathering speed. Then the parachute opens and she drifts to the ground screaming with laughter. Her landing is not very elegant, coming down hard on her behind, which causes another explosion of laughter, while the rest of us collapse into gibbering heaps.

The dream ended with Ali wondering which plane to try out next, only to have Terri, Chris and Logzie pile on top of her, pinning her to the ground.

Now, if anyone can tell me if that has any special meaning...

The Weekend

The weekend was dominated by Sophie's party on Saturday, to celebrate what would have been her 20th birthday.

The party takes the form of an open house, with people able to come and go as they please with food (chosen to reflect what Sophie liked) and drink available when they want it. In addition, the kids run a tombola in the garden, with lots of small prizes - Sophie loved doing these at fetes, so it is something we like to include.

We had a good flow of people during the day, with the last, my 2 brothers, leaving at around 10pm. I can't remember the last time the 3 of us were in a room together, it felt quite strange.

On Sunday we were exhausted and did as little as we could, slobbing in front of the TV as much as possible. In the evening we had our balloon releasing ritual. This goes back to when Sophie was very young. We had been to a fete and bought her a really expensive (for us at the time) balloon of Winnie the Pooh (Sophie's favourite character). When we got home, just before going inside, she let it go - she did not need it any more! It was one of those defining moments. So on Sunday evening we released 3 (one for each of the kids) Winnie the Pooh balloons into the still, evening sky. They rose up into the air to an incredible height before hitting an air stream that took them off Eastwards.

Just as the balloons vanished from view the evening electrical storm started. It was stunning, I have never seen anything like it, so we sat in the garden and watched until the rain arrived, sending us fleeing for cover.

A great weekend, now we can relax a bit as the DIY is over for the moment - I hope. Just need to settle down and finish painting the soldiers for my summer wargames party, the Roman conquest of Romania (or not, as the case may be!)

Crayon Box Survey

I borrowed this from Terri, who stole if from someone else!

RED = Anger

Are you currently mad at someone? Yes - reading my blog elsewhere will probably tell you who!
Which of your family members has the worst temper? Me.
Have you ever thrown something at anyone? No, amazingly!
Does your face turn red when you’re angry? Don't know!
When you’re mad, do you prefer to stare angrily or yell? I stare if angry with someone that I can see, otherwise I swear and stomp around.

ORANGE = Excitement

Has anyone ever thrown a surprise party for you? No.
Do you get easily excited? Yes, I am a big kid like that.
What’s something that you’re most excited about? My new guitar.
If you won a million dollars, what would be your first thought? Find a really good lawyer to deal with the people I am angry with.
If you could have anything right now, what would it be? My daughter.

YELLOW = Self Discovery

Name: John
Birthday: August 10
What’s your main goal in life? Happiness
Do you want to have children? Had 4, which is enough for anyone!
When do you want to die? Any time after my kids have left home and made a start in life.

GREEN = Opinions

Are you against gay marriage? Absolutely not!
Lower the drinking age? No, maybe put it up a bit!

BLUE = Love

Do you love someone? Yes
Do you believe in love at first sight? No, that is just lust! But Lust at First Site is a good start...

PURPLE = Q & A

Q: How many beds did you lay in today? A: 1, I am not a tart.
Q: What color shirt are you wearing? A: Grey.
Q: Name one thing that you do every day. A: Read.
Q: How much cash do you have on you right now? A: £15.
Q: Look to your left. What’s there? A: A thank you card from this year's graduates.
Q: What’s the last piece of clothing you borrowed? A: Probably a sweater from my wife.
Q: What website(s) do you visit most during the day? A: Blogs.
Q: Do you have plants in your room? A: Cheese Plants.
Q: Does anything hurt on your body right now? A: No.
Q: What city was your last taxicab ride in? A: Herne Bay, not a city really.
Q: Do you own a picture phone? A: No, my phone was made in the Stone Age.
Q: Recent time you were really upset? A: When I realised that the UK's medical complaints procedure is totally powerless.

PINK = Last

Person you saw: Our secretary.
Movie watched in cinema: Pirates of the Caribbean 3.
Song you just listened to? Strangers in the Darkess by Gary Moore.
Person you talked on the phone with: My wife.

GREY = Today

What are you doing right now? Typing this!
What are you doing tonight? Playing wargames.
What are you going to eat? Something from the chip shop.

BROWN = Tomorrow

Is: Friday.
Goal: Get food for the party on Saturday.
Are you going to laugh? I certainly hope so!

Life, Death and Beliefs

I guess today is a good day to ponder this stuff. My eldest daughter would have been 20 today. I had promised Terri that I would try to put my thoughts on religion into words, so here goes.

Life

My general approach to how to behave in everyday life is based on my Christian up-bringing - the Ten Commandments give a good guide on how we should live.

The Bible seems to contain some contradictions - for example, in the Old Testament we have "an eye for an eye", while Jesus would have us turning the other cheek. For me they are both sensible options in different situations. In the time that Jesus was alive, everyone was trying to sort out their problems with war, which was clearly not working, especially for the Jews who were repeatedly crushed by the Romans. Taking a different approach seems only natural.

I believe God is here and will judge us when the time comes, but he is not stupid - he will judge us on the intentions behind our actions, rather than our actions and their results. We are human and make bad calls which have the wrong effect, this is how we were made after all. Merely putting on the trappings of being a good Christian does not fool him either. If we live life with the right intentions then God will judge us accordingly.

Death

I believe that we are judged as soon as we die - think how long the queue would be if not! ;-) If we have lived a life that makes the grade we get to go to the next world, the place that I saw my daughter in during the dream I had and wrote about in an old post. If not, I believe we get sent back to try again. This is a bit Buddhist, I guess, but I firmly believe in reincarnation and do not hold with the eternal damnation in fire and brimstone that my grandfather told us about. My God is not like that.

I also believe that the barrier between this world and the next is fluid and that we can cross both ways. There are times when we can have a glimpse of what is to come (I am certainly not the only person that I know that this has happened to) and those who have moved on are able to visit us at times. I often feel my daughter's presence. I used to put it down to wishful thinking but have realised that it does not only happen when I am thinking of her. I guess this leads me to believe that "ghosts" are spirits that have decided they want to remain here permanently.

That sums it up, I guess. Not much but it works for me. Hope you found it of interest.

It's Tennis Jim, but not as we know it

On Saturday, I took the kids into town to do a bit of shopping. As the weather was rather good (certainly the best we have had for over a month) we took our tennis stuff and had our first session of the year. As we were just getting our hands in, we played what we have called "Diddy Tennis". This involves trying to keep the ball in the half of the court closest to the net and just keeping the ball moving. I guess the result is more like Volleyball, where the ball gets tapped around a couple of times on one side of the net before being passed over the the other side. It is great fun and totally uncompetitive, which I like. When Clare and I get on the court, it is another matter...

A Day to DIY for (or tackling the "Honey Do List")

Well the day finally arrived and could be put off no longer. We were going to close off our porch! This has been planned for 7 years (since we first moved in) and the parts have slowly accumulated over the years, wood, hinges, doors, locks...

In recent weeks my wife (who is just so totally wonderful that words do not exist to do her justice) had been cutting the wood to size and making the joints. All we had to do was put the pieces together, like a flat packed piece of furniture. Sounds so easy doesn't it?

Well, to my amazement, it WAS that easy! Carpet Fairy (thanks James, I think I will be using that name from now on) had done a really great job and a few hours later we were applying a coat of varnish to our new front door. This is really great, as it effectively gives us an extra room, where we will be putting our second freezer. We were going to put the washing machine there too, but last night there were hints that Carpet Fairy would be taking it over as an art room, as it has great natural light for sketching and painting.

A great weekend for all of us - my only regret is that I underestimated how hot the sun was on Saturday, so my upper arms got totally fried. Even now, they are bright red and extremely painful, regardless of whatever creams I put on. Now I remember why I gave up trying to get tanned!